Yes, I Could Spend More Time Doing Work I Find Fulfilling, No, it Wouldn’t Make Me a Better Mom
That’s not what I said to myself while I was lugging my screaming and very heavy four-year-old off the playground in the direction of the car. I was also toting an extremely heavy baby carrier, all 19 tons of it putting pressure on one spot of my forearm just below my elbow, where I’m pretty sure the letters UB for Uppababy were becoming permanently indented. Cool. The middle child was somewhere close by. I knew this because I could hear him wailing. He’s usually my happy easy one. Apparently this moment was unusual. Sweaty and fumbling for my keys, I caught a glimpse of an innocent bystander taking in the whole episode and I wished I was anywhere but there.
It’s a long story about why we left the playground. Just know that it was time to go. I wish I could say these shitty moments are few and far between, but the reality is that they are not. Just based on numbers, adult to child ratio, and the fact that I spend roughly 2 million hours a week alone with three kids under five, as a stay-at-home mom, I am not set up to win. Or at least win big. Or at least right now. I have small wins. None of my three boys have needed stiches, yet. Someone ate a vegetable this week. Everyone wore clothes today, that fit and that were weather and activity appropriate. The truth is, most days it feels as though I exist to dirty and clean the kitchen, wipe butts, referee arguments, and do everything in my power to avoid scenarios like the one above, which even by my very low standards, I would consider an epic fail. Could I use my past work experience, active license, and advanced degree to get a job I enjoy and find interesting? Yes. Would it make me a better mom? No.
Early on in my parenting journey I got the idea that in order to be a happy, successful parent, I needed a balanced life and prioritize myself. Society tells us this as well. We are given messages like, you’ve got to make yourself happy before you make anyone else happy, and happiness can be found both in and outside of the home with a balanced work life and family life. Don’t get me wrong, I believe some level of balance is healthy. Social interaction or a hobby that doesn’t involve the kids can definitely help improve my mental state. But while some parents may want to feel that they need to be fulfilled by work outside the home to be the best version of a parent they can be, this need does not apply to me.
As tempting as it is to think spending more time doing work that fills my cup would make me all Zen when the kids are treating the neighborhood pool like a WWE Arena, a fall in a puddle results in a public de-pantsing, or when my three-year-old informs me that “actually Mommy, I’m in charge”, my reality is, being with them is what makes me the mom I want to be.
Although sometimes the above scenarios make me want to run to the nearest We’re Hiring sign, I remind myself that fulfilling work will always be there, but that my kiddos won’t. Besides, who better than me to teach them important lessons like, the tiny carts at the grocery store aren’t in fact racecars and the perimeter of the store is not a racetrack. Or that you do always have to keep your pants on in public, even if they do get a little wet. And that eventually you will get an opportunity for redemption at that fun park because life is full of second chances, and moms who give them. Because working full time to teach life lessons and raise good humans is fulfilling, and also because sometimes tired moms and kids with energy just need to get the heck out of the house.