What I Learned From My Back to Back Miscarriages

The experience of a loss during pregnancy is heart breaking.

It is an indescribable feeling and a thousand feelings that I have never before known, and I hoped that I would never experience again. It is confusing, stressful, messy, unexpected, unexplained, and sad beyond belief. This is what I learned.

For me, pregnancy is a mindset, a shift in the way I think, a change in my normal actions and the way I see the next nine months. Reach for the sparkling water, not the wine. Take it easy exercising. Prepare to be sober at this wedding and on that vacation. Pregnancy is the way I behave, the decisions I make, and the means to the end, that precious baby. When that changed suddenly, I felt the strange dichotomy of the feeling of being pregnant and accepting the reality that I no longer was. The pregnancy mindset occurs quickly, suddenly, and definitely, the moment of confirmed pregnancy. I learned the reverse can take a while.

I learned that there is no preparing for it. Of course, it is a possibility. As they say it is in the first twelve weeks. But those words, “there is no heartbeat,” were not words I was prepared to hear. In that moment, it did not matter how many healthy pregnancies I have had in the past. It did not matter that just two weeks before, the ultrasound showed the beginnings of a healthy twin pregnancy. It did not matter that I knew that this could happen. It did not matter that I thought I could handle any outcome.

And even though, statistically it wasn’t supposed to, I learned it could happen again, and I learned it could happen differently. After the first miscarriage, I felt the worst part about it was not knowing, since it took an ultrasound to diagnose. I found out during the second miscarriage, that the worst part about it is knowing, is being sure of what was happening, and having to go on feeling absolutely helpless.

The healing process isn’t definitive and the end might be out of sight. I thought maybe I could start healing after the diagnosis of the miscarriage, I couldn’t. I thought maybe I could start healing after everything passed, on its own, it didn’t. I thought maybe I could start healing after the DNC procedure. I thought maybe I would start healing if I were able to get pregnant again. Life has a way of keeping us busy. We are busy being spouses and employees. We are really busy being mothers. Healing won’t happen only at a certain moment, or only with time. For me, will happen with a combination of those two factors and when I am kind enough to myself, to allow it to.

I am not the only one who has experienced a miscarriage, I learned 1 in 4 women do. Roughly, a loss is the outcome in 1 in 4 pregnancies. It is not something we tend to not talk about, because it is sad, and because we have to be sensitive to the feelings of others. I learned that the woman who goes through this can look like someone who has no kids and can also look like a mom of four. I learned she can look like me.

I am still learning to remember that the pregnancies, and the losses aren’t defining. Although, it is devastating, and the emotions are all consuming. This tidal wave of chaos can feel like it took everything from me and left nothing behind. Understanding who I am and how to move forward can feel like a jigsaw puzzle that I am too exhausted to solve. So, I start with what I know. I know I am healthy. I am a loving daughter and sister, and a caring friend. I am a lucky wife, and mother to two amazing little humans whom I love more than anything in the entire world, and I know that these things are miracles too.